kore wa cho muzikashi desu

This is very difficult.

My decision is at the same easy, hard; and very clear.

I need to leave Japan. I want to. I'm going to. But on nights like tonight, I can't. I went to a fireworks hanabi (outside party) tonight, and I had such a great time. I wore a Japanese yukata (summer kimono) and I met so many interesting people. I felt like this was something I could do again, and these were people I might like to do something with. I've been going to a monthly writers' salon on and off since November and I really enjoy the people there as well. I love that I can go, share my writing and listen to others share; and that's another group of people I could spend more time with. There are a number of people I'm loathe to say good-bye to, but that alone can't keep me here.

I'd have to get a new job. My issues with Nova notwithstanding, my schedule is so not conducive to building relationships. I essentially work nights and weekends. I have Saturday off, which is fantastic, but I generally work from 1-9 during the week, and I do not get time off on national holidays. That really makes it hard to spend time with anybody who is not a Nova teacher, and I do not want to live in the Nova Bubble. I haven't been, and there are a lot of great Nova teachers, but that's not the point. If I were to live here, I would need to live here. Right now, and how I often feel after a particularly good day, is that I'm beginning to live here, I'm learning my way around, really figuring out what I like and don't like and so on. It takes a while to really SETTLE. Not just to be comfortable, but to SETTLE. But I know enough to know that I can't commit to settling here. It's not worth it.

I have a lot to go back to. What I have in Japan is very obvious to me; it's what I'm living. What I have in the U.S. is much less present... Nevertheless I have not forgotten what I have. I have the best friends in the world. Whenever I think about leaving I think about how hard it will be to say good-bye to all the people here that I've met, spent time with, and invested in - however much it happened to be. But then I have to think, if it will be so hard to say good-bye to people I've known for 12 months or less, how wonderful will it be to say hello to people who I've known and loved for years?!

And there is life waiting for me; the life I see myself in. The one I want to create. I just found out today that American politicians are on the Facebook. The other day I was flipping through the English language cable channels and I came across a broadcast of the CNN+You Tube democratic debates. These are wonderful developments in American political participation! Thanks to MoveOn.org and the New York Times I can stay mostly informed on what's happening in American politics but being informed is not enough. I want to be active. There are, in fact, a lot of things that I want. I want to sleep on a real mattress. I want cereal. I want brownies, apple pie, and anything else cooked in an oven. I want hair products and shoes that fit. I want to date people.

This past Tuesday I went to a travel agency to put down a deposit for my trip to Seoul. The agent and I had spoken earlier on the phone about flights to RDU but I had another question to ask her about it. She got on the computer and offered to book me on that flight then and there. She gave me the opportunity to commit to going home. A one way ticket. one way ticket. one way ticket. Leaving, it means possibility and adventure. But in my head that day, returning meant the uncertainty of leaving a fantasy life and returning to the real world; whether or not that was an actual reflection of reality. I didn't book the ticket. I couldn't do it.

But I will. That's clear enough to me. There are so many nights when I question if I can bring myself to leave Japan. Coming home is an easy decision! It's leaving Japan that's hard.

I wish I could end it there. But the funny thing is - I don't even like it here! I mean, I'm having a great time and I love so many people here (I'm truly a people person), but I'm really not a fan of Tokyo. It doesn't make my top 5 list of cities to live in. I find Japanese culture interesting and intriguing but not something I want to be a part of. Nothing here really addresses my long term interests. I feel like all the evidence should point to an obvious conclusion. Let's do a recap: 1) as much as I love people, they're not enough to keep me here. 2) I'd have to get a new job but making the effort isn't worth it. 3) & 4) I have a lot going for me in the U.S. And yet there is 5) In the moment of truth, I cracked.

This is difficult. Because it's easy. and hard. and yet, very clear.

And things that are not of consequence

To non-Japanese speakers I 'speak' Japanese. To non-native Japanese speakers I don't speak Japanese. To a great deal of Japanese people my "nihongo wa jouzu desu!" Japanese is good. Here is an example: one time I was ordering food at a bar and I said "suimasen... hai, beeru Weistephaner desu, to... tabemasu, onagaishimasu" and the bartender said "tsugouii, nihongo wa jouzu desu!" Well, what did I say in Japanese? "Excuse me, Weistephaner beer please, and... eating"

I tell this story because today I helped a lost tourist while I was waiting for some friends to meet me in Akihabara. I was pointing stuff out to him on his little map and a Japanese man walked up and said "dai jo bu desuka?" I immediately said "dai jo bu desu, arigato" and the tourist man looked at me and said wow, do you speak Japanese? Oh, if only... but that's another story for another time.
*

And speaking other stories, in Of Tremors... I alluded to buying a new umbrella. Umbrellas are a thing here. It's hard to describe, but you might get a slight idea from this picture album. Also, I'm following this list and while I'm good for about half of them I wanted to cross off number 17. When I was in the store I realized that are things I might not have known about buying an umbrella. When it comes to other accessories like shoes, bags or jewelry I have certain criteria and some sense about what is or is not a good idea. Realizing how little I knew about umbrellas, and imagining that there was probably a lot more to know, I texted a Japanese friend. The conversation went like this:

me: do you know of a good place to shop for umbrellas? I'm at OIOI and I can't decide if I should get one now
my friend: umm, now I have one from Afternoon Tea, one of girl's Zakka stores. If you'd like feminine style, try it :) I don't really buy umbrellas cause I forget them everywhere. I'd say 2000 yen is average --- (picture of her umbrella included)
me: ooh ok thanks! do you think a long pointy umbrella is something I could take on a plane?
mf: what does a long pointy umbrella look like? no problem, i think
me: um, just an average umbrella I guess. that part is not as important. do you know if there is one material that is better than another? like some umbrellas feel silky. are those just for sunny days or rain too?
mf: um sorry don't know. but I've seen many people who have silky ones on rainy days.
me: ok - thanks for answering my questions! :) (cartoon picture of an umbrella) I think I've found one to buy!
mf: looking forward to seeing you soon :) (cartoon picture of an umbrella)

And now I can assuredly report that there is actually little-to-no important knowledge for buying an umbrella.

... And Tremors

On Monday following the typhoon, a Japanese national holiday, an earthquake struck at about 10:15 am off the coast of Niigata prefecture, northwest of Tokyo. Pictures in the media showed families sitting outside observing the wreckage of their collapsed wooden houses, and news reports told of a nuclear power plant that shut down as planned, but still somehow leaked radioactive water into the sea of Japan. I don't know of any damage in Tokyo. When I got to work and one of my co-workers asked - did you feel that earthquake?? But I hadn't! I was on the train, or in the station, or something. But apparently everyone who wasn't felt it. I read in the news about an aftershock sometime between 3 and 4 pm, but I didn't feel that one either. Later that night I was chatting with one of my housemates in our kitchen and he looked at me and said - did you feel that? And guess what? I didn't.

There was one memorable earthquake that happened between 1 and 2 months ago. It didn't do any damage nor did it make the news but I was sitting outside when it happened, and I think that made all the difference. It was an absolutely gorgeous day outside (before the rainy season) so I brought a chair out the the back garden to enjoy it. All of a sudden the ground started shaking! I clung to the chair or else I could fallen off. I hardly noticed though, because I was so in awe of what I heard: I heard the earthquake! It was so incredible to hear the ground move. I can remember the sound in my head but I don't know what words could describe it.
*

For more information on the Niigata earthquake:
Earthquakes in Japan Kill 8 and Injure Hundreds - NYT, the basic information.
Earthquake Shakes Japan's Northwest Coast - NYT, includes info on the nuclear waste.

Of Typhoons...

These past few days in Tokyo have been very prominent for Mother Earth. Over the weekend typhoon #4 came through. It's been cool and rainy for a couple of weeks now, but at some point the rainy season morphed into typhoon season (apparently typhoons signal the end of the rainy season, although typhoons just bring more rain). On Friday or Saturday one of my housemates mentioned to me that a typhoon was headed for Nagoya but he didn't seem to think it would affect Tokyo. Well, on Sunday it came through. Early, early sunday morning I awoke to the sound of heavy, quickly falling rain. As it was too early to be awake I went back to sleep hoping it would be over by the time I needed to leave for work. It wasn't. It was much too heavy to ride my bicycle, but I had rainboots and an umbrella so I felt equipped enough to walk to the station. Needless to say, I got wet. Really wet. It was extremely windy so the rain was coming at me from all sides. I passed up the chance to take the bus, not understand how truly wet I could get. The walk was about 15 minutes and at the end I was absolutely soaked. I mean soaked! Through and through. I could have wrung out half of my shirt, and the water in my pants could have filled a 2 liter bottle of water. Slight exaggeration, but it actually took me over an hour to completely dry.

And that was only the first half; a typhoon, like it's identical twin the hurricane, has two halves with the eye in between. In one of my last lessons on that day I got to talking with my student about the typhoon and he said (not verbatim) that we could expect the second half around 6pm. Then he showed me the weather report in the newspaper which tracked the path of the typhoon - down to the hour! And sure enough, it was due to hit Tokyo at 6pm on Sunday. I had planned on running some errands after work but he strongly cautioned against it. I was convinced - I certainly didn't want a repeat of the morning! After the lesson I relayed this information to the other teacher working that day and he said that he too had heard the same news. 6:00 came and went, however, with no rain. After work I reconsidered running errands - it still wasn't raining that hard and I could hypothetically cut my trip down to less than 10 minutes, so I went for it. I dashed out of the station, down the street and into the store. I zeroed in on my intended item and swiftly made the purchase. That might be the fastest shopping trip I've ever made. Except then I saw the umbrellas. Umbrellas are a highly developed accessory in Tokyo and I really enjoy observing parades of umbrellas on rainy days, and parasols on the sunny ones. Thinking it was still the rainy season I thought to myself, I've seen so many pretty umbrellas... I want one too! I quickly glanced outside in a feeble attempt to gauge the weather (rain can quicken or slacken on a dime; looking outside was pretty ineffective) and judging it to be sufficiently non-threatening I decided to buy one. Which is another mild story in itself. It might be ironic if I had left the store with two umbrellas in a downpour - still getting wet because one umbrella can only do so much, but of course you can't use two - but it actually never poured. As it turns out the second half of the typhoon veered away from Tokyo.


and then I found 10 yen. (today)

A Collection of Things

If I were a tree climber I’d climb that tree.
Look at that easy foothold there. Look at those branches – They’re pretty thick; they look great for climbing. If I were a tree climber I’d love to climb that tree.

If I were an academic I’d have loved my classes.
Regardless of other details and distractions I would have sought refuge in learning. If I were an academic, I would have been the best student.

If I were a guy I would read Esquire magazine and wear slim-fitting vintage-inspired t-shirts. I might also do these things if my girlfriend bought them for me. If I were a guy I would email that amazing girl I met in Tokyo.

If I were organized I would have a water-tight budget.
I would never try to change the dates of a shift-swap signed and stamped. I never would have used a credit card and I would have visited 6 new countries by now. If I were organized.

If I were other people, other things, I would have said more, done more, seen more and saved more. If I were other things I would be other things; but there would always be a collection of things I am not.