kore wa cho muzikashi desu

This is very difficult.

My decision is at the same easy, hard; and very clear.

I need to leave Japan. I want to. I'm going to. But on nights like tonight, I can't. I went to a fireworks hanabi (outside party) tonight, and I had such a great time. I wore a Japanese yukata (summer kimono) and I met so many interesting people. I felt like this was something I could do again, and these were people I might like to do something with. I've been going to a monthly writers' salon on and off since November and I really enjoy the people there as well. I love that I can go, share my writing and listen to others share; and that's another group of people I could spend more time with. There are a number of people I'm loathe to say good-bye to, but that alone can't keep me here.

I'd have to get a new job. My issues with Nova notwithstanding, my schedule is so not conducive to building relationships. I essentially work nights and weekends. I have Saturday off, which is fantastic, but I generally work from 1-9 during the week, and I do not get time off on national holidays. That really makes it hard to spend time with anybody who is not a Nova teacher, and I do not want to live in the Nova Bubble. I haven't been, and there are a lot of great Nova teachers, but that's not the point. If I were to live here, I would need to live here. Right now, and how I often feel after a particularly good day, is that I'm beginning to live here, I'm learning my way around, really figuring out what I like and don't like and so on. It takes a while to really SETTLE. Not just to be comfortable, but to SETTLE. But I know enough to know that I can't commit to settling here. It's not worth it.

I have a lot to go back to. What I have in Japan is very obvious to me; it's what I'm living. What I have in the U.S. is much less present... Nevertheless I have not forgotten what I have. I have the best friends in the world. Whenever I think about leaving I think about how hard it will be to say good-bye to all the people here that I've met, spent time with, and invested in - however much it happened to be. But then I have to think, if it will be so hard to say good-bye to people I've known for 12 months or less, how wonderful will it be to say hello to people who I've known and loved for years?!

And there is life waiting for me; the life I see myself in. The one I want to create. I just found out today that American politicians are on the Facebook. The other day I was flipping through the English language cable channels and I came across a broadcast of the CNN+You Tube democratic debates. These are wonderful developments in American political participation! Thanks to MoveOn.org and the New York Times I can stay mostly informed on what's happening in American politics but being informed is not enough. I want to be active. There are, in fact, a lot of things that I want. I want to sleep on a real mattress. I want cereal. I want brownies, apple pie, and anything else cooked in an oven. I want hair products and shoes that fit. I want to date people.

This past Tuesday I went to a travel agency to put down a deposit for my trip to Seoul. The agent and I had spoken earlier on the phone about flights to RDU but I had another question to ask her about it. She got on the computer and offered to book me on that flight then and there. She gave me the opportunity to commit to going home. A one way ticket. one way ticket. one way ticket. Leaving, it means possibility and adventure. But in my head that day, returning meant the uncertainty of leaving a fantasy life and returning to the real world; whether or not that was an actual reflection of reality. I didn't book the ticket. I couldn't do it.

But I will. That's clear enough to me. There are so many nights when I question if I can bring myself to leave Japan. Coming home is an easy decision! It's leaving Japan that's hard.

I wish I could end it there. But the funny thing is - I don't even like it here! I mean, I'm having a great time and I love so many people here (I'm truly a people person), but I'm really not a fan of Tokyo. It doesn't make my top 5 list of cities to live in. I find Japanese culture interesting and intriguing but not something I want to be a part of. Nothing here really addresses my long term interests. I feel like all the evidence should point to an obvious conclusion. Let's do a recap: 1) as much as I love people, they're not enough to keep me here. 2) I'd have to get a new job but making the effort isn't worth it. 3) & 4) I have a lot going for me in the U.S. And yet there is 5) In the moment of truth, I cracked.

This is difficult. Because it's easy. and hard. and yet, very clear.